I need a shirt :)

I need a shirt that says, "Just waiting."

Because that's what we're doing. 

No word. Weeks without hearing anything.  I know our profile is out for showing, I just don't think it's been shown to anyone.  The only times we get calls are to tell us they are missing a piece of paperwork. Not complaining about paperwork, at least it gives me something to do :)

Like I said before the biggest difference between adoption and pregnancy is the fact that at least with pregnancy you get doctors appointments and progress reports.  We're almost 4 months into officially waiting, almost 9 months into the whole process.  Still in the beginning stages, I know people who have waited for much longer. 

I gotta say I'm thankful for my adoption support group, though for the most part none of them live... here... it's nice to know that there are people out there who are willing to talk to me and tell me that this is normal. Because really, it's a hurry up and wait process and a LARGELY misunderstood process.  I feel like I need to teach a class on it just so people who have never been through the process know.  I am amazed at how many people do not know that once you finish the home study you don't just get handed a baby.  I wish that was the way it worked! With so many out there that need to be adopted, you would think in a lot of ways that would be the case... but it's a process largely run by the government.  And when you get the government involved... it's never an easy process.  But I have found that in this case, the reason that the government is involved IS for the safety of the kids.  I cannot complain about that either.  There are people out there who are only interested in hurting children, which makes it harder for the rest of us, but I'd rather take the hard than the adoption process be so easy that a large amount of children are abused, neglected, sold, and/or killed. There are times I don't understand the process, many a tear have been shed in the last 9 months wishing that the process was easier.  But as a friend told me one time, these are my pregnancy/birth pains. 

My pregnancy might just last a lot longer :)

But until something happens, I'm back to not going in the baby section.
For the most part we have what we need for our baby when he/she gets here and continuing to look only kinda re-enforces the fact that we haven't heard anything.
I have no progress report.
I have no way of knowing whats next.
I feel like I'm blindfolded looking for a path to go down.

Thankfully I have Shawn holding one hand and God is holding the other and both of them are holding me up.   We'll make it no matter what with God on our side, Just remembering to trust in Him through this whole process and not let Satan tear us down.  He's a sneaky fella. He disguises himself as doubt and discouragement a lot. I just need to make sure as a Christian to not let those words come out of my mouth to plague someone else, or even myself.

Remember where your Citizenship is,
and whether you want to or not... Keep Moving Forward. 

Sometimes I wonder...

This Friday is the 5th anniversary of my Papaws death.

I often wonder what he would be saying right now if he were still living, he was a man of few words but when he did speak he made it count.  Some of the words he was famous for, in our family, was, "So it's hard. Figure it out."
Seems harsh, but that meant he had faith that we could get through it.
This is hard. We're still figuring it out.

I just finished the letter that we are sending to Sacred Selections to ask for a grant. I gotta say, between that one and the one I've written to our potential birth mother, I'm emotionally tapped out.  It has made me relive aspects of this journey that have not been pleasant, the emotions and things that we felt that have made us as strong as we are today and I know this will only make us stronger as well, no matter the outcome. 

I wish I could convey without sounding incredibly desperate how much we want this. It isn't a make or break situation in our marriage, not at all, but we want this with just about every fiber of our being right now. Being consumed with paperwork again, though monotonous, it helps remind us how much we want this.  Above all we know Gods way is best, but the effective fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much, and many do not have because they do not ask... we're asking. A lot. I just pray with all of that, that we are asking correctly and in such a way that we know that His will is the best.

There is a song I have been listening too since we started this journey, it's called "Uncharted" by Sarah Barellis. 



Music defines just about every period of my life. This song will remind me of the journey to get to where we are now and where we will be in a few months. I may post the letter I wrote to SS here in a few weeks, but for now, I am signing off and heading to work.  Have a fantastic day and remember where your Citizenship is!

James.

There are days through this process of waiting that would drive anyone nuts. No word on any kids, people sending you random articles about how more and more single mothers are keeping their kids, random explanations of how even if you raise your adopted child from birth that they could still turn into a sociopath... and the fact that all of the sudden I am getting FOUR different emails on getting pregnant a week, a subscription I KNOW I didn't sign up for. 

Sometimes it is hard to remember, ok not hard, sometimes we CHOOSE not to remember in various trials that we are to count our blessings in EVERYTHING. 

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind."  James 1: 2-6

The part of that group of verses that jumped out at me today, though I know I have read them and had them quoted to me hundreds of times in my lifetime I'm sure, "let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach..."
It dawned on me this morning that I didn't really know what the word reproach mean.  In the context it is given I had a general idea, so I looked it up to be sure. 

Reproach- v. to find fault with (a person, group, etc.); blame. 

Now read the verse again. 


He makes the rain fall on the just and on the unjust. 


I often read the book of James when I am discouraged, mostly so I remember that I have no reasons to be discouraged.  It's the kick in the shins I need to keep moving forward, to keep being who I need to be, to keep doing what I need to do. To keep my head up.  
My heart is heavy often, my thoughts wander, there are days I don't go in the room where we have planned for the nursery because it is just too hard.  


We have a sign hanging in our house,
"Count Your Blessings" 


When upon lifes billows you are tempest tossed, 
When you are discouraged thinking all is lost, 
Count your many blessings name them one by one, 
and it will surprise you what the Lord has done. 


Count your blessings, name them one by one, 
Count your blessings, see what God has done, 
Count your blessings, name them one by one!
Count your many blessings see what God has done!


When you are discouraged with a load of care, 
When the cross seems heavy you are called to bear, 
Count your many blessings angels will attend, 
Help and comfort give you to your journeys end! 
-----


Remember us in your prayers that we keep our heads up and our thoughts on Him and remembering that all things happen in HIS time.
No news, no movement, nothin'... sometimes it's hard to remember that it's only been a couple months since we've officially been on a waiting list.  We could be here for a while ;) 

Growth.

Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who's been there before. 

We've only been at this since September, our home study is done, our profile is done, we are on a waiting list and our profile is in a stack of ones to be shown. 

Someone who has been there last night just looked me square in the eyes last night and said the words, "It. WILL. Happen."

Because at this point I'm just kinda numb, we did so much and now we're just down to waiting. And people keep asking if I've heard anything, I feel like making a shirt that says "A couple weeks to a couple years."

I know our lives will change in an instant, but I have lived the last 7 years telling myself it isn't going to happen.  Tears, pounds of chocolate, and less prayers than there should have been for most of that.  I was just thinking last night that the biggest difference between actually being pregnant and being on a waiting list is the fact with pregnancy you can feel and see growth.

My growth in this will be my back bone, my patience, and our marriage. 
The other growth would be the attachment of my phone being on me or near me at all times. It's now an appendage.

2011 just started, this year will be a year for growth in so many ways, but most importantly I pray that we grow with God first in my mind in all we do.  With God all things are possible. That doesn't mean it will be easy, that doesn't mean it will be what we want, but it will always be what we need.  And in HIS time. 

Waaaaaiting is the haaardest part. (name that tune!:)