I got a lot of congrats today at church and every time I've posted it on Facebook or Pleo... and finally someone said, "What does that even mean, an approved home study?"
The best way I knew how to describe it without going into a ton of detail was it's like when you are in college and you have to take a prerequisite class. You have to take that class that has very specific requirements to pass it in order to take the other classes you really want to take.
That is, in a nutshell, what a home study is. It's the thing you don't really want to do, but have to, in order to be able to do the other stuff. Namely get on a waiting list with an agency. As soon as we get that piece of paper in hand saying we have an approved home study, we will be accepted by our agency, and we will be on a waiting list. The time line we have been given is either a few weeks to a couple years. Depends on what happens and how many birth mothers come to them. So we may be waiting for a while and I have accepted that. Yeah it will be hard but it's not like I'm not doing other things. Course, those other things are things that can basically be dropped at any given second to go and get a child if need be.
It helps that our case worker is awesome. She walked in and saw the deer head on our wall and thought it was really cool. Which put my mind at ease right away. Another person who I will always be thankful for who I barely know on a personal level.
I am beginning to get excited. I'm beginning to realize this is happening. But the other, larger, part of me is realizing I need to be rational about this and not expect that we will have a baby right away. To enjoy the time I have with my husband before our lives completely change. To take naps when I can, to make extensive dishes and bake when I can, to take showers and go to the store when I want to... things that willl change when we have a baby. I should point out that I am not complaining about that. This is a welcome change, this is an exciting change :)
God has truly blessed us beyond measure.
It is a true comfort that His hand is guiding us through this.
Have a good 'un :)
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Clean!
My house has not been this clean in a while.
Just about every closet has been decluttered, a massive load of things have already been taken to Goodwill and there is another batch of stuff by the front door to go out.
I knew she wasn't going to do the white glove test but she is basically a stranger coming into my home and I wanted it to be in tip top shape.
Not only did she not do the white glove test, she only looked in the closet with the gun safe in it and I actually had to suggest that she look in other rooms because really... I spent a lot of time and effort trying to get my house clean for this. She looked in what will be the baby room, the office because I had more kid stuff in there and we have renamed the office "the library" because there really isn't anything office about it. In fact we have to figure out what to do with the TV that is in there because we turned it on the other night and it sounds like it's about to explode at any minute. Which means we have an entertainment center we have no idea what to do with. Oh well. More room for books, right?
My sister was super helpful getting my house finished up for the rooms she never looked at :)
I gave her a Symphony bar as payment. I like being able to pay people in chocolate.
We are approved pending the Federal Government getting our background checks back to us. I thank God for this. I thank God for how wonderfully He's led us down this path. Things have not gone perfect, but this is the most confident I have ever been just letting Him lead us through this uncharted territory. It's a hard, tear filled, frustrating, process. But in the end we both know it will be ok because we have the Lord on our side.
To celebrate, we went and got some frozen yogurt. Which was not our best idea... it was 40 degrees outside and it just made me colder. But it tasted good.
For my birthday this last Tuesday we went and bought a diaper bag. We were told by our agency to have one packed and ready to go for whenever... that way we have it ready and all we have to do is grab it and go. I have never been so happy to live so close to the freeway! Anyway, we bought a nice gender neutral diaper bag. Red and black. And then Target also had baby socks on sale, so we bought some socks. Well last night, because it started feeling more real after she said were approved pending our Federal background check getting back, we went and bought bottles, diapers, and wipes.
We don't have a family who has picked us, we don't have a baby promised to us right now, but our agency says that a good portion of the babies they get are the result of a hospital calling them saying the mom wants to put the baby she just had up for adoption. We may never even hear from the birth mom, because after 48 hours, parental rights are terminated and we cannot drive to Gainsville faster than about 12 hours. It could be within a few weeks to over a year before we hear anything but they want us to be prepared and I want to be prepared so all we have to do is throw clothes in a suitcase, load up the car, and just go.
Still working on the last little bits of our profile. But I have given myself permission to take the day off today. Keeping on top of our house, making an actual grocery list, and going grocery shopping. Nice, WONDERFUL lazy Saturday. We are going to the Homecoming game at WKU later, but for now we are watching College Game Day and we just finished breakfast.
I love Saturdays like this. God has truly blessed us.
Next step, more paperwork!
Just about every closet has been decluttered, a massive load of things have already been taken to Goodwill and there is another batch of stuff by the front door to go out.
I knew she wasn't going to do the white glove test but she is basically a stranger coming into my home and I wanted it to be in tip top shape.
Not only did she not do the white glove test, she only looked in the closet with the gun safe in it and I actually had to suggest that she look in other rooms because really... I spent a lot of time and effort trying to get my house clean for this. She looked in what will be the baby room, the office because I had more kid stuff in there and we have renamed the office "the library" because there really isn't anything office about it. In fact we have to figure out what to do with the TV that is in there because we turned it on the other night and it sounds like it's about to explode at any minute. Which means we have an entertainment center we have no idea what to do with. Oh well. More room for books, right?
My sister was super helpful getting my house finished up for the rooms she never looked at :)
I gave her a Symphony bar as payment. I like being able to pay people in chocolate.
We are approved pending the Federal Government getting our background checks back to us. I thank God for this. I thank God for how wonderfully He's led us down this path. Things have not gone perfect, but this is the most confident I have ever been just letting Him lead us through this uncharted territory. It's a hard, tear filled, frustrating, process. But in the end we both know it will be ok because we have the Lord on our side.
To celebrate, we went and got some frozen yogurt. Which was not our best idea... it was 40 degrees outside and it just made me colder. But it tasted good.
For my birthday this last Tuesday we went and bought a diaper bag. We were told by our agency to have one packed and ready to go for whenever... that way we have it ready and all we have to do is grab it and go. I have never been so happy to live so close to the freeway! Anyway, we bought a nice gender neutral diaper bag. Red and black. And then Target also had baby socks on sale, so we bought some socks. Well last night, because it started feeling more real after she said were approved pending our Federal background check getting back, we went and bought bottles, diapers, and wipes.
We don't have a family who has picked us, we don't have a baby promised to us right now, but our agency says that a good portion of the babies they get are the result of a hospital calling them saying the mom wants to put the baby she just had up for adoption. We may never even hear from the birth mom, because after 48 hours, parental rights are terminated and we cannot drive to Gainsville faster than about 12 hours. It could be within a few weeks to over a year before we hear anything but they want us to be prepared and I want to be prepared so all we have to do is throw clothes in a suitcase, load up the car, and just go.
Still working on the last little bits of our profile. But I have given myself permission to take the day off today. Keeping on top of our house, making an actual grocery list, and going grocery shopping. Nice, WONDERFUL lazy Saturday. We are going to the Homecoming game at WKU later, but for now we are watching College Game Day and we just finished breakfast.
I love Saturdays like this. God has truly blessed us.
Next step, more paperwork!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Or... just wait.
One thing after another happened the last few days and we are doing the home visit on Friday night at 6pm.
No cakes this week. No photo shoots this week. No extra things to agree to this week. NO. no.
We still have so much to do and we got more paperwork from our agency a few days ago.
I have spent quite a bit of time with our agency on the phone this week, just asking questions.
I talked to someone who gave me permission to register, who gave me permission to shop.
Letting you inside for a minute:
I can't go into baby sections for very long without a specific purpose, it has to be for someone else. I will go and look for something for our faith drawer, but I usually can only make it about 10 minutes before my heart just hurts. Tears well up. And then I have to go to the kitchen section to get my mind off of it.
I can play with other peoples kids all day. I can hold someone elses baby all day.
I have taught myself over the last 7 years to surpress my desire to be a Mom, because every time I've been exicted and then it hasn't happened, the high I come down from is a harder fall every time.
I am letting myself get excited now, I've been given permission from someone who has it on good authority that I'm not alone. She talks to a lot of women just like me. Who's husband is their rock, their constant, the ones who keep them sane and who keep surpressing thoughts of their own children because it just has not happened. It is a grief. It is a loss. It is my thorn in the flesh.
I think it will be more real to me though after the paperwork is basically done, the homestudy is FINALLY completed, and our profile is approved and being shown to potential birth moms/families.
I just need to be patient. I'm walking around hand in hand in uncharted territory with my husband and God. God knows where to go, and I just need to remember to let go of my fears in this and let God in. He will lead us to where we need to go. Even if there is heartbreak ahead, I know He will pick us up.
Thy will not mine be done.
No cakes this week. No photo shoots this week. No extra things to agree to this week. NO. no.
We still have so much to do and we got more paperwork from our agency a few days ago.
I have spent quite a bit of time with our agency on the phone this week, just asking questions.
I talked to someone who gave me permission to register, who gave me permission to shop.
Letting you inside for a minute:
I can't go into baby sections for very long without a specific purpose, it has to be for someone else. I will go and look for something for our faith drawer, but I usually can only make it about 10 minutes before my heart just hurts. Tears well up. And then I have to go to the kitchen section to get my mind off of it.
I can play with other peoples kids all day. I can hold someone elses baby all day.
I have taught myself over the last 7 years to surpress my desire to be a Mom, because every time I've been exicted and then it hasn't happened, the high I come down from is a harder fall every time.
I am letting myself get excited now, I've been given permission from someone who has it on good authority that I'm not alone. She talks to a lot of women just like me. Who's husband is their rock, their constant, the ones who keep them sane and who keep surpressing thoughts of their own children because it just has not happened. It is a grief. It is a loss. It is my thorn in the flesh.
I think it will be more real to me though after the paperwork is basically done, the homestudy is FINALLY completed, and our profile is approved and being shown to potential birth moms/families.
I just need to be patient. I'm walking around hand in hand in uncharted territory with my husband and God. God knows where to go, and I just need to remember to let go of my fears in this and let God in. He will lead us to where we need to go. Even if there is heartbreak ahead, I know He will pick us up.
Thy will not mine be done.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Hurry up and wait
Got a call from our potential agency last week asking if there was any way we could speed up the home study process.
There is a lot we could do to speed it up, yes... but we are waiting on the federal government, so what are the chances that they are doing any kind of hurrying? :)
We are waiting on our federal back ground check, which could take up to 30 days. It's been 2 1/2 weeks and we don't have anything back yet so I'm guessing we will get it on day 30. Yes, part of me is saying that in hopes it shows up a lot sooner... but I may have just double jinxed myself.
Our home visit is this Saturday at 2, where she will look through our house to make sure if a child moved in that our house would not kill him or her.
This would be the week that our seasonal mouse has moved in. We don't have any traps other than the sticky ones and though the sticky one worked in sticking the mouse to the trap last year, it was still alive for hours after and thats just gross and wrong on so many levels. We keep forgetting to get traps on the way home, but I will get them today. Shawn will set them because I snaped my finger in one once and now am afraid of the mouse traps. Wimp? maybe.
I was telling Erin last night that I know while we are sitting and talking with our social worker that the mouse will run across the floor. But hopefully it will be caught and dead before then. It happens every year, our house backs up to a farm so we get field mice. Usually just in the fall but one or two have shown up in the spring too.
In everything we have done for this process so far, I have been amazed at the hand of God in all of it. I know He is there in all we do, but it has never been as apparent as it has been through this process. How quickly and obviously prayers have been answered. How quickly plans have changed and easily those changes are established.
This coming Monday is our 8th Anniversary, next Tuesday is my birthday... A part of me wants to be excited that maybe, Lord willing, this time next year we may be parents. But a part of me will wait to be excited until we are free and clear of our home study, our agency has officially approved us and is showing our profile, and we get a call.
Speaking of which, I have chosen a ring tone for our agency... "Take a Chance on Me" by Abba :) haha
Anyway, need to head to work and then come home and make some cakes and clean the house.
Thank God for the blessings He gives us.
There is a lot we could do to speed it up, yes... but we are waiting on the federal government, so what are the chances that they are doing any kind of hurrying? :)
We are waiting on our federal back ground check, which could take up to 30 days. It's been 2 1/2 weeks and we don't have anything back yet so I'm guessing we will get it on day 30. Yes, part of me is saying that in hopes it shows up a lot sooner... but I may have just double jinxed myself.
Our home visit is this Saturday at 2, where she will look through our house to make sure if a child moved in that our house would not kill him or her.
This would be the week that our seasonal mouse has moved in. We don't have any traps other than the sticky ones and though the sticky one worked in sticking the mouse to the trap last year, it was still alive for hours after and thats just gross and wrong on so many levels. We keep forgetting to get traps on the way home, but I will get them today. Shawn will set them because I snaped my finger in one once and now am afraid of the mouse traps. Wimp? maybe.
I was telling Erin last night that I know while we are sitting and talking with our social worker that the mouse will run across the floor. But hopefully it will be caught and dead before then. It happens every year, our house backs up to a farm so we get field mice. Usually just in the fall but one or two have shown up in the spring too.
In everything we have done for this process so far, I have been amazed at the hand of God in all of it. I know He is there in all we do, but it has never been as apparent as it has been through this process. How quickly and obviously prayers have been answered. How quickly plans have changed and easily those changes are established.
This coming Monday is our 8th Anniversary, next Tuesday is my birthday... A part of me wants to be excited that maybe, Lord willing, this time next year we may be parents. But a part of me will wait to be excited until we are free and clear of our home study, our agency has officially approved us and is showing our profile, and we get a call.
Speaking of which, I have chosen a ring tone for our agency... "Take a Chance on Me" by Abba :) haha
Anyway, need to head to work and then come home and make some cakes and clean the house.
Thank God for the blessings He gives us.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Stuff we gotta do to get there...
I knew going into this that the process was extensive and time consuming, but I only had a cursory knowledge of it because I had never actually been through it.
The process is and will continue to be a test of my patience. I pray that I keep looking at it the way I do now, which is basically that the end is worth the means to get there.
Yesterday I was sitting and reading peoples status updates and then last night I talked to our niece Mia on the phone. And I'm going to write this down so when I'm in the middle of it I will remember.
-The 3am feedings will be worth it because we have a child.
-The sleepless nights when he/she is sick will be worth it because we have a child
-The blowouts and emergency changes of clothes five minutes after we were supposed to leave for services will be worth it because we have a child
-The crying because things are not going their way will be worth it because that means we have a child
-The constant need for attention and supervision will be worth it because that means we have a child
-The broken toys, ripped pages, and other misbehavior that needs correcting will be worth it because that means we have a child
-The times that I have to exuse myself from a conversation because my child needs attention will be worth it because we have a child
-When the terrible 2s come around and it feels like all I do is correct every action will be worth it because we have a child
-The scrapes, the bumps and the bruises will all be worth it because the crys coming from the childs mouth will be "MOMMY!" or "DADDY!" and the child will actually mean us.
And I realize that we have not even shown our profile yet because our agency has to wait on references to get back and our home study is about a month away from being approved, and we haven't even printed out the stuff to apply to Sacred Selections. And things could go a very different direction than what I have planned because I am assuming the road we are on right now is what God wants for us. Everything is falling into place.
I wonder if we had tried doing this sooner if it would have happened. But I don't know... the blessing is that we are doing it now. WE are actually moving in that direction instead of stalling out over, "Well maybe we should." I guess what I'm trying to say is, that even if for some reason it doesn't happen, we at least tried. Yeah it will be so hard if it doesn't happen, but at least we are on the road to find out instead of waiting to be on that road.
Well off to FedEx I go to send more documents out and spend copious amounts of money on shipping and background checks.
We got finger printed on Friday and are sending those in with our federal background check. We will be in AFIS. I don't know why I'm excited about that, probably because I watch waaaaay too many crime dramas.
Roast for supper with a nice heaping side of adoption education tutorials!
Toodles!
The process is and will continue to be a test of my patience. I pray that I keep looking at it the way I do now, which is basically that the end is worth the means to get there.
Yesterday I was sitting and reading peoples status updates and then last night I talked to our niece Mia on the phone. And I'm going to write this down so when I'm in the middle of it I will remember.
-The 3am feedings will be worth it because we have a child.
-The sleepless nights when he/she is sick will be worth it because we have a child
-The blowouts and emergency changes of clothes five minutes after we were supposed to leave for services will be worth it because we have a child
-The crying because things are not going their way will be worth it because that means we have a child
-The constant need for attention and supervision will be worth it because that means we have a child
-The broken toys, ripped pages, and other misbehavior that needs correcting will be worth it because that means we have a child
-The times that I have to exuse myself from a conversation because my child needs attention will be worth it because we have a child
-When the terrible 2s come around and it feels like all I do is correct every action will be worth it because we have a child
-The scrapes, the bumps and the bruises will all be worth it because the crys coming from the childs mouth will be "MOMMY!" or "DADDY!" and the child will actually mean us.
And I realize that we have not even shown our profile yet because our agency has to wait on references to get back and our home study is about a month away from being approved, and we haven't even printed out the stuff to apply to Sacred Selections. And things could go a very different direction than what I have planned because I am assuming the road we are on right now is what God wants for us. Everything is falling into place.
I wonder if we had tried doing this sooner if it would have happened. But I don't know... the blessing is that we are doing it now. WE are actually moving in that direction instead of stalling out over, "Well maybe we should." I guess what I'm trying to say is, that even if for some reason it doesn't happen, we at least tried. Yeah it will be so hard if it doesn't happen, but at least we are on the road to find out instead of waiting to be on that road.
Well off to FedEx I go to send more documents out and spend copious amounts of money on shipping and background checks.
We got finger printed on Friday and are sending those in with our federal background check. We will be in AFIS. I don't know why I'm excited about that, probably because I watch waaaaay too many crime dramas.
Roast for supper with a nice heaping side of adoption education tutorials!
Toodles!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
We were closer than we've ever been and now we're even closer...
The interview portion of the home study went very well!
We have more paperwork to do and more things to send in and get back before the home visit portion happens, and then, well I don't know. I mean thats the thing about this, I feel like my eyes are covered, in the dark for the most part about where this is going but I'm being led by Someone with much more power than me.
I am literally in uncharted territory. It terrifies me on one level but I'm ok with it on another, because I have been waiting on this for a long time.
Like Shawn and I were talking about today, we're glad we are actually DOING this and not just TALKING about it.
Yeah it's gonna take money, time, and copious amounts of patience. But we have waited 7 years and we're the closest we have EVER been.
I'm letting myself be happy about this, get a little excited. I even looked at Babies R Us website yesterday at things. But I'm not buying things, not yet. Not until we are approved on so many levels.
Baby steps. Steps towards a baby.
So many other things are changing too. I'm switching degrees to an Associates so I can be done, hopefully within a semester or two instead of 2015. That way no matter how long it takes, I will be part way done and the hours and credits are secure and can't expire. So if and whenever I decide to go back, I wont have to do all the Gen Eds again.
For the first time I feel like I'm moving towards something and not just doing something while I'm waiting on something else to happen.
I thank GOD for my husband through all of this. He's been so supportive and my constant in this. I need to hear from him that things will be ok. The words coming from his mouth have been nothing but supportive and wonderful and I cannot emphasize enough how grateful that I have him in my life. He is my best friend. He has been for almost 10 years now. He still manages to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world when he talks to me and spends time with me, God gave him to me to make me feel safe and I feel safe with him. Someone told me that it would fade after about a year, and I thank GOD it has not. He is the best husband in the world.
Well I think we need to head to bed. It's been a long day and the next week is going to be getting loose ends tied up before the home visit starts. It's also fall break, which means I'm working but no classes. THANKFUL for that!!
Until next time :)
We have more paperwork to do and more things to send in and get back before the home visit portion happens, and then, well I don't know. I mean thats the thing about this, I feel like my eyes are covered, in the dark for the most part about where this is going but I'm being led by Someone with much more power than me.
I am literally in uncharted territory. It terrifies me on one level but I'm ok with it on another, because I have been waiting on this for a long time.
Like Shawn and I were talking about today, we're glad we are actually DOING this and not just TALKING about it.
Yeah it's gonna take money, time, and copious amounts of patience. But we have waited 7 years and we're the closest we have EVER been.
I'm letting myself be happy about this, get a little excited. I even looked at Babies R Us website yesterday at things. But I'm not buying things, not yet. Not until we are approved on so many levels.
Baby steps. Steps towards a baby.
So many other things are changing too. I'm switching degrees to an Associates so I can be done, hopefully within a semester or two instead of 2015. That way no matter how long it takes, I will be part way done and the hours and credits are secure and can't expire. So if and whenever I decide to go back, I wont have to do all the Gen Eds again.
For the first time I feel like I'm moving towards something and not just doing something while I'm waiting on something else to happen.
I thank GOD for my husband through all of this. He's been so supportive and my constant in this. I need to hear from him that things will be ok. The words coming from his mouth have been nothing but supportive and wonderful and I cannot emphasize enough how grateful that I have him in my life. He is my best friend. He has been for almost 10 years now. He still manages to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world when he talks to me and spends time with me, God gave him to me to make me feel safe and I feel safe with him. Someone told me that it would fade after about a year, and I thank GOD it has not. He is the best husband in the world.
Well I think we need to head to bed. It's been a long day and the next week is going to be getting loose ends tied up before the home visit starts. It's also fall break, which means I'm working but no classes. THANKFUL for that!!
Until next time :)
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