Or... just wait.

One thing after another happened the last few days and we are doing the home visit on Friday night at 6pm.

No cakes this week. No photo shoots this week. No extra things to agree to this week. NO. no.

We still have so much to do and we got more paperwork from our agency a few days ago.
I have spent quite a bit of time with our agency on the phone this week, just asking questions.

I talked to someone who gave me permission to register, who gave me permission to shop.
Letting you inside for a minute:

I can't go into baby sections for very long without a specific purpose, it has to be for someone else. I will go and look for something for our faith drawer, but I usually can only make it about 10 minutes before my heart just hurts. Tears well up. And then I have to go to the kitchen section to get my mind off of it.

I can play with other peoples kids all day. I can hold someone elses baby all day.
I have taught myself over the last 7 years to surpress my desire to be a Mom, because every time I've been exicted and then it hasn't happened, the high I come down from is a harder fall every time. 

I am letting myself get excited now, I've been given permission from someone who has it on good authority that I'm not alone. She talks to a lot of women just like me. Who's husband is their rock, their constant, the ones who keep them sane and who keep surpressing thoughts of their own children because it just has not happened. It is a grief. It is a loss.  It is my thorn in the flesh.

I think it will be more real to me though after the paperwork is basically done, the homestudy is FINALLY completed, and our profile is approved and being shown to potential birth moms/families. 

I just need to be patient. I'm walking around hand in hand in uncharted territory with my husband and God. God knows where to go, and I just need to remember to let go of my fears in this and let God in. He will lead us to where we need to go.  Even if there is heartbreak ahead, I know He will pick us up. 

Thy will not mine be done.